My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
