Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize