I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
