I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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