i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
