I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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