I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
