My girlfriend figured out who you are.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
