He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
