god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
3pm strippers are depressing
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
