Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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