so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
