I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
