My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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