I feel great
I just peed on a car
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
