I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
