If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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