I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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