so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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