Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
