The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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