Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
