sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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