oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
