Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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