After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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