Betty ford says i'm here all night
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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