Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
