didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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