I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
