She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
not ubering you a puppy
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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