You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
