I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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