saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Randomize
