yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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