I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
