I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
This baby is an asshole
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Drake has all the answers
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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