Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You brought string cheese to the strip club
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize