i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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