According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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