my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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