WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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