We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
