at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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