I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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