She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
