bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
