i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
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