i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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