high people should be assigned attendants
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
