I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
