if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
