whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
