My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Randomize
