Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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