Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
