i already hear my dad disowning me
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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