What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
