sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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