I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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