At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
